Avenger in Denver

I don’t usually do politics, but everyone was so surprised by Obama’s poor performance in the first debate that I have to point out something that you all may be overlooking. Yes, he was pathetic: He seldom looked Romney in the eye; he failed to bring up Romney’s gaffes such as the “47% are losers” debacle (Romney’s estimate was low); he kept repeating the same weak arguments despite Romney’s effective refutations. What was going on? I can explain it in one simple term:


The President’s brilliant strategy, taken right from the Mohammad Ali playbook, was instantly clear to me. If I’m right, he will be equally hapless in the next debate, focusing on foreign policy. He will be unable to find Iran on a map. He won’t know the president of Uzbekistan. He will identify Israel and Canada as members of the Axis of Evil. The Democrats and the media will be even more shocked and dismayed. Chris Matthews will be placed on suicide watch. And of course, Romney and his supporters will rejoice, and will confidently begin picking out curtains for the Oval Office.

Then will come the third debate.

The topic doesn’t matter. A different Barack Obama will arrive. He will be cool and relaxed. Perhaps he will wear his golf slacks, or will walk up dribbling a basketball. He’ll place his Nobel Prize for Being Barack Obama on the podium. The questions won’t phase him; he will answer every one by singing his response like Al Green. He will smile and wink at the swooning women in the audience. Romney will be thrown off his stride; he will babble and stutter like Porky Pig in the face of Obama’s overwhelming hope-inspiring charm, and will repeatedly fail to bring the debate back to the important issues . Perhaps Obama will even say, “There you go again, Mitt!” Moderator Bob Schieffer will frequently tell Romney to “Shut up and listen to the President!”

Romney will be devastated. He might even drop out of the race. On November 6, Obama will not only win the election in a landslide, he will also win American Idol, The Voice, and a second Nobel Prize (for being the Coolest Barack Obama Ever.) Our downward spiral to third world mediocrity will continue for four more years. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Enjoy the ride.

The Way Things Should Be

Like many TV weather reporters, our local guy often shows today’s high and low temperatures compared to the average temperatures for this day. He has gotten into the habit of saying, “Here’s the high for today, compared to what it should be.” This reveals a common misconception about average numbers, as well as the weather.

As an example, despite his baffling addiction to obsolete music, my friend Brizz has a very high IQ, probably in excess of 130 or so. This means (according to my weatherman) he is at least 30 IQ points above where he should be.

Does the median indicate “shouldness” as well? The median U.S. household income in 2010 was $49,445, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. The Obamas reported an income of $1,795,614, or $1,746,169 more than they should have. No doubt Barack Obama would agree with this. There comes a point when you have made enough money.

The average height for white American males is approximately 5 feet 10 inches. This means I am about 1.5 inches shorter than I should be, and Kobe Bryant is 8 inches too tall. Obama should do something about this.

It’s human nature to want to define how things outside of our control “should” be, especially when it comes to the weather, as weatherman Todd regularly demonstrates. We get an odd sense of unease if the temperature is well off the average. We expect this year’s rainfall to be pretty much like last year’s, and if it isn’t, something’s amiss. And if we see several years in a row warmer than the previous several years, we get downright alarmed, with the help of fear-mongers like Al “We’re doomed” Gore.

Keep a few facts in mind. The earth is about 4.6 billion years old. By studying ice cores, tree rings and other evidence, scientists have been able to determine two important facts: First, it has been much colder than it is now; and second, it has been much warmer than it is now. Climate change is real, and it has been real throughout the life of the earth, even when we weren’t here driving our Hummers.

Homo sapiens appeared about 200,000 years ago. If the earth had been around for just one year, then we humans appeared a little over 20 minutes ago. We just started keeping accurate climate records within the last minute. Could there be just a touch of hubris in our (and Todd’s) judgement of how the weather “should” be?

New TV Shows

Don’t miss tonight’s 10 PM premiere of NBC’s heartwarming and hilarious comedy about a single father in Indiana who’s trying to raise a headstrong teenage daughter while making ends meet by moonlighting as an anonymous sperm donor in “Hoosier Daddy!”

Then watch Fox’s latest reality hit, an in-depth look at the dark side of competitive watermelon seed spitting as four characters travel to county fairs around the country, vying for the prize money while battling chapped lips and dry mouth. Tonight, Clem is disqualified due to his inadvertent ejection of a tooth instead of a seed. Watch as he tries to convince the judges that the tooth was identical in size, weight and color to a regulation seed. Root for your favorite in “Great Expectorations!”

William Shatner returns to the screen as Father Delaney, a defrocked pedophile priest and registered sex offender. Not being allowed near children makes him grumpy and foul-mouthed, but he still tries to browbeat his neighbors into keeping the faith, in “Holy Sh*t!” at 9:30 Tuesday nights on ABC.