Archive for May, 2011

My Obtuse and Brilliant Friend

It’s ironic: At the same time my friend posts a brilliant analysis of the current gas price situation, he demonstrates in an email his obtuse defiance of my perfectly valid claim that the American League does not play baseball. No, my mathematically challenged savant, within the confines of a single inning, an American League team fields 10 players, making it a different game altogether. Baseball is all about strategy: bunt or hit away, walk the batter or bean him, chew tobacco or spit sunflower seeds. And very importantly, let the pitcher bat or pinch hit for him even though he’s still working great but you really need a hit. By using a designated hitter, you’ve eliminated a crucial decision the manager has to make. A baseball player needs only four basic skills: throwing, catching, hitting and running the bases. The American League says pitchers only need two of them. What’s next? Running is really hard; maybe we should have designated runners for our slower players? Designated free throwers in the NBA? Where does it stop? Soon you’ll have PGA golfers riding carts, wearing shorts and playing “winter rules.” After that, it’s only a matter of time before you have the breakdown of society and mayhem in the streets. Of course, my friend won’t mind that, sitting snug and smug in his bunker filled with Spam and toilet paper. I know your game, my friend.

There’s an Explanation for Everything

Watching the news about the tragic happenings in Joplin, Missouri last night, I heard many of the survivors cite the commonly accepted reason for their getting through the tornado: “God was watching out for me.” I couldn’t help wondering, wasn’t it God who sent the storm their way in the first place? The newscaster cleared it up for me: “I guess Mother Nature really had it in for these people.”

Come on, humans. Tornadoes happen for non-supernatural reasons. And to paraphrase Randy Newman: Some people get lost in the storm. Some people get away all right.